Oh hello.
August 16th, 2023
August 30th, 2021
“Welp. There it is. My first failed quiz of medical school. I do not know how I feel right now. Of course I feel disappointed but I also have a lot of other things running through my head. I do not feel embarrassed. I do not feel completely distraught. I have been here before, kinda. I never failed an exam in undergrad. Although medical school is pass/fail, failing means getting below a 75%. I just got below that mark. A fucking 72%. One question off. By far my worst quiz grade. I think the worst part of this quiz is that I actually felt pretty good walking out of the quiz. I was literally thinking to myself of how comfortable I felt with the questions. Coming out feeling good and then seeing a failing score is just puzzling. Going back over the quiz was different from the last. I did not write the topics of my missed questions down like I usually do. So I guess I am feeling a little embarrassed because I was not about to write down eleven question topics so that my table mates could potentially see how many I missed. I have been trying really hard to be honest about my performance but fuck that a failed quiz. Man. Fuck last week for real. I was really nervous coming into this quiz because of how I was feeling leading up to the quiz. I knew I had gaps. I knew I was not solid on a few things. The tough part week to week is that I am able to answer questions. I am not lost. I understand the material enough to answer the questions its understanding the question enough to answer the question properly to get the correct answer. For the past few weeks I keep telling myself I need to slow down. Today I felt like I was cruising. So maybe today, I did have bigger gaps in my understanding than I thought. Okay okay. It is true. I knew that. I just did not feel bad about the material. I think a good indication is how good I feel prior to the quiz. I did not feel good about the content this week until Saturday, when I usually start to have that feeling on Thursday. Tough week last week. I did not get to put in that significant time I usually do during the week. That hurt. I need that time. Hard week of content as well. I forgive myself. I am not sure what more I could have done. I knew enough. I just need to continue to work on my test taking skills. That’s the key. I can absolutely grind throughout the week but I can still choke during the exam. I know I can fix this. I feel bad but I also feel empowered. I knew I was probably going to fail a quiz at some point. No excuse. Just back to work. I know that 100% is in me. It’s only crazy till you do it. So go do it. ”
That is what I had to say after I failed my first quiz in Clinical Morphology about a month into medical school. Of course it was not my last failed quiz. I think I went on to fail at least 5 or so more. At least one in every block after that? I wrote about the second failed quiz but then I did not write after the others. It became an expectation for me. I knew at some point during the block I was going to fail a quiz. Never did I think I would fail an entire block until I did at the beginning of this year. I followed that failed block with my best block of medical school. And then for my last block of second I scrape by being that it was a two week block and I had to start worrying about studying for my retake exam. I barely passed the retake exam and I am granted the opportunity to never do second year ever again. I go into dedicated two weeks behind.
And this is where I made my last newsletter post.
I started to realize taking Step on time was not going to be possible and the worries of feeling embarrassed start to creep in. Eventually these worries would consume me so much that I did not know what I was doing. I lost my ability to remember anything. Studying became so hard. I used every excuse not to study.
Oh a family gathering? Sign me up. I’m there
Oh my friends want to go out tonight? Yeah sure!
I wanted to do anything but study. I was not taking it serious. I was worried that no matter what I did I was going to fail. It did not matter if I studied for five days straight or two hours, I knew I was probably going to fail my next practice exam. I had the evidence to support this belief after failing and failing over the course of the year and medical school for that matter. I never believed that I could not do it. I just kept telling myself that eventually I will do it. Eventually I will get to the point of feeling prepared enough to confidently take a practice exam like I mean it. But in the month of May, I would say “but eventually is not tomorrow, so I will go thrifting for new business casual clothes I need for when I start clerkships while I talk to my dad on the phone.”
June comes around and I am fed up after failing a fourth practice exam. I go to see the doctor. I get set up for counseling. I get set up to see a psychiatrist. I get signed up for tutoring. We are going to get this done. And the next two months are some of the most rewarding days of studying I have ever had. Things are starting to click mentally and physically. I start to get better sleep. I only go out once a week. I start to do better on my practice exams. Eventually July come around and the three weeks leading up to my exam on July 31st I have not been on social media, I have not had a sip of alcohol, I have a strict bedtime and I have a good study system.
I pass my last two practice exams and I feel ready.
But yet here we are.
No matter how much effort, time and energy I put into getting healthy. I still do not feel healthy. For the past four months I have felt sick. Every time I run, my nose runs. Whether it be exercised induced asthma or allergies, everytime after playing basketball I get crackles in my lungs. I ran so much the last two weeks before my exam, I got myself sick and was blowing my nose the entire day on test day. I forced myself to wake up first thing in the morning to run because I did not want to run in the evening— taking away time from studying. I scarified an hour of sleep so I could stick to this unhealthy amount of running I was doing with no proper recovery. I was too much in overdrive. My pendulum swung too far in one direction and I ran myself into the ground. And to top it off, I had messengers in the form of coyotes cross my path three times in the two months leading up to my exam. The last message came during my last run two days before my exam. As I was running past one of the entrances to the North Campus golf course, I reactively jumped out of the way to allow a coyote run right underneath me and cross my pass once again.
But I never told anyone about the messengers that have crossed my path and even made me move off of my path.
(Do not worry I finally told my parents today and my dad already scolded me for good measure)
So now I sit here at the duck pond reflecting.
In perfect Rope fashion, I feel the same exact way I did on August 30th, 2021 when I failed my first quiz. I felt good coming out my Step 1 exam. I even told Joe and Zay “I would be surprised if I missed more than 10 questions on one of those blocks.” I might have been expecting to fail given everything I have been through this year but I also expected to pull out a win like I always do. I expected to put together a performance like I did for the MCAT, an exam I had no business taking given my preparation. But now that I think about it. MCAT Rope had confidence and as you might be able to tell, my confidence has wavered in ways it never has before.
“I feel bad but I also feel empowered.” I am amazed by August 2021 Rope. That dude was not messing around.
Before I went on a crazy running spree in July, I truly felt like August 2021 Rope. I am joyous to know he is not gone. I know I can do this. I feel bad but I also feel empowered.
“I just want to make it to see you get your MD,” Shinali would say all the time in her last year.
Now we realize she wanted to make it because she knew how much adversity I was going to have to go through to get my MD.
It sucks to make these late realizations but I know I will be better for everything I have learned in the year 2023. My story is so amazing in so many ways and failing Step 1 just seems to make sense.
I made a promise to you shinali and I will keep it. I might not graduate in 2025 anymore but I do not think I included a year in my promise. I have come so far and I will go so far. From the heights of hummingbirds to the depths of medical school, Rope is back.
Good to be back. Don’t worry. If you know me, I’m getting right back on. Not our first time getting bucked off.
Favorite song right now: Anything Zach Bryan
Favorite movie right now: Oppenheimer (highly recommend)
Book I am reading right now: Babel by R. F. Kuang
Till next time,
Rope